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学習者が書いたエッセイを、添削・アドバイスする「ウェブ公開授業」

  • 横川綾子先生
    明治大学 国際連携機構 特任教授
  • ETS Authorized Propell® Facilitator
    ETS TOEFL ITP® Teacher Development Workshop Facilitator
  • プロフィールはこちら

みなさん、こんにちは。TOEFL iBT® テストWeb準備講座を担当するETS公認トレーナーの横川綾子(よこがわあやこ)です。モデル学習者のイズミさんから、4月のTOEFL iBTテストでライティングセクションのスコアが3点も上がったとのご報告をいただきました。当初のお悩みは「短時間でスコアを上げたい。エッセイのポイントや幼稚にならない書き方が知りたい」ということでしたが、イズミさんはその目標を達成しつつあるようですね。I’m so proud of you, Izumi.

writing

第12回 コツコツと楽しみながら

今回の相談者:医学部1年生 女性
  • 高校3年生 イズミさん(仮名)
  • <現在の英語力>
    中学3年生の時に英検2級を取得。進研模試やセンター試験の英語の偏差値は75以上、リスニングは80以上。

    学習者のご紹介

    アメリカの高校に2014年9月から通っている。初めて受けた2015年1月のTOEFL iBTテストの結果は71点(R:15、L:16、S:22、W:18)。2015年4月に受験したTOEFL iBTテストでは、ライティングが3点アップし自己ベスト74点(R:15、L:18、S:20、W:21)にスコアアップ。
    <TOEFL iBTテストを受験する理由>
    香港大学を受験するため、最低でも80点は必要。大学でも授業についていけるように、それ以上を目指したい。
    <TOEFL iBTテストの学習で困っている点や悩んでいる点>
    独学なので購入したテキストを使い格闘している。短時間でスコアを上げたいので、最低でも押さえておくエッセイのポイントや幼稚にならない書き方が知りたい。
    <留学したい理由>
    大学で英語を学ぶのではなく、英語を使って、つまり英語を手段として専門的な内容を学びたい。アジアの最高レベルと言われている大学で、アジアと世界のつながりを学びたいと思っている。
    <英語学習全般での課題や質問>
    ボキャブラリーが少なく、単語を覚えるのが苦手。スピーキングでは、緊張してしまい、正しく整理された文法を使って、決められた時間で話すことが苦手。

 

イズミさんには、前回記事(第11回 語数より大切なこと )でのフィードバックを参考に、30分以内に辞書・スペルチェッカーなしで書いたエッセイをリライトしてもらいました。今回は、事前のブレーンストーミングや単語調べは時間をかけて行い、書き始めたら本試験と同じく30分以内に仕上げる(スペルチェック機能はオフ)という流れでお願いしました。

エッセイのテーマ

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


以下の主張に賛成ですか、反対ですか。子どもは学校に行き始めたらすぐ外国語を習うべきである。自分の意見の根拠となる特定の理由と例を用いなさい。

 

イズミさんのエッセイ

I agree the statement that children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. I believe this statement is true, because I have experienced learning a new language that I couldn’t speak before and I could master it when I was young. I live in Hong Kong for ten years. When I was ten years old, I moved back to Japan. I couldn’t speak Japanese at all. After two years, I could pass the private junior high school entrance exam. I could master most of the Japanese language in two years. My parents were surprised at this. I can say, children have magical powers to learn language. Thanks to the magical powers, children can learn foreign languages more easily than adults. I have three reasons to support my opinion. First, children can enjoy learning languages. Second, children are not afraid of making mistakes. Third, children generally have more time than adults do.

First, children are full of curiosity. They are interested in anything, especially new things. And they can enjoy learning foreign languages. When high school students or adults learn a foreign language, they become stressed because of textbooks and exams. On the other hand, children learn languages by singing songs and playing games. I think to enjoy learning is the key, because it’s led to continue to learn more and master it. Moreover, children love to tell someone what they’ve learned. I think this is the biggest magical power of children. I’ve heard that the point of learning is the combination of input and output. Children do the output spontaneously by telling someone what they’ve learned.

Second, children are not afraid of making mistakes. I think the best way to learn language is to speak the language aloud. Children are not ashamed of themselves when they make mistakes. They can say or think about anything they want to and they can learn from their mistakes. In addition, children don’t care about grammar when they express their feelings. When adults learn languages, they think about grammar too much. I personally think grammar is not the most important part of learning languages. If someone can understand what you are talking, it is good enough.

Third, children generally have more time than adults do. Children can learn a foreign language while they are playing games as I mentioned in second paragraph. Adults are too busy to do that. They try to learn many things in a short time. However, learning a foreign language doesn’t work like that.

In conclusion, when children start the school is the best time to learn a foreign language. They have more time than adults do. They can enjoy learning a foreign language by singing songs and playing games. They can learn more from their mistakes, because they’re not ashamed of making mistakes and they don’t care about grammar as adults do. These three reasons make children more easily to learn a foreign language than adults. It’s a good idea for children to learn foreign languages as soon as they start school.
(508 words)

【横川先生からコメント】


ひと言でいうと、イズミさんのエッセイは飛躍的に説得力を増しました。リライト前のエッセイに対して「思春期や大人になってからでなく、就学と同時に外国語習得を始めることの良し悪しを深掘りする必要がある」とアドバイスしましたが、Body(本論)に相当する第2・3・4パラグラフのTopic sentence(主題文)はすべてchildrenが主語になっており、論旨とトピックの対応を印象づけています。香港で生まれ育ち、中国語と日本語(さらに英語も!)を習得したイズミさんにしか書けないエッセイになっています。

第1パラグラフがやや長い感じもしますが、主張→理由→詳細説明というロジカルな構成のおかげで、冗長さはありません。Introduction(序論)と比較するとBodyの一角を成す第4パラグラフがやや寂しく見えるので、子どもには何かに没頭する時間が与えられているだけでなく、大人にはない集中力で物事を吸収することを例示するエピソードなどが入ると、さらに良かったと思います。Conclusion(結論)となる第5パラグラフでは、自分の主張をしっかりと読者にリマインドできています。ただし、3つの論拠はパラグラフの登場順に再提示する方が、読者に混乱を与えずに済むと思います。

今回は校正協力者であるPaul Strifler氏から多くのコメントが入りましたので、その一部を紹介します。ネイティブスピーカーはこのエッセイをどのように読むのか、みなさんも参考にしてください。いつものように添削例は最後に掲載します。

【英文校正協力者からコメント】


第1パラグラフ :
This first paragraph is perfect. It’s important to tell your story about Hong Kong and show the reader you are an “expert” on the topic and your paper is worth reading as a result. Pointing out it is a “magical” ability is wonderful! It’s very colorful and apt. It is “magical” to be able to learn like children! I’ve put “magical” into quotation marks because it is sort of a vague term and no one really has magical powers, do they?

第4パラグラフ:
This paragraph is a little short (light), but even so, it’s okay. You hedged* well saying “generally” children have more time than adults, meaning sometimes this isn’t true... You could have said something like, “Time passes differently for children. For example, 15 minutes of play can be one hour for an adult.” Most people would agree that children have more time, so this shorter paragraph is acceptable.
hedge (v): To avoid making a clear, direct response or statement

第5パラグラフ:
Great conclusion! Well done! You told us what you would talk about in the introductory paragraph, gave us details in the body, and repeated them in the conclusion. This ‘repeating’ of the message is important to remind people of what you said and to have them accept it. Repeating is a sort of “brain-washing” technique as well. You did a great job with this paper, Izumi!



パラグラフの添削例

I agree [with] the statement that children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. I believe this statement is true, because I have experienced learning a new language that I couldn’t speak before and I could master it when I was young. I live[d] in Hong Kong for ten years. When I was ten years old, I moved back to Japan. I couldn’t speak Japanese at all. After two years, I could pass the private junior high school entrance exam. I could master most of the Japanese language in two years. My parents were surprised at this. I can say, children have [“]magical[”] powers to learn language[s]. Thanks to the[these] magical powers, children can learn foreign languages more easily than adults. I have three reasons to support my opinion. First, children can enjoy learning languages. Second, children are not afraid of making mistakes. Third, children generally have more time than adults do.

First, children are full of curiosity. They are interested in anything, especially new things. And they can enjoy learning foreign languages. When high school students or adults learn a foreign language, they become stressed because of textbooks and exams. On the other hand, children learn languages by singing songs and playing games. I think to [“]enjoy learning[”] is the key, because it’s led [it leads them] to continue to learn more and master it. Moreover, children love to tell someone what they’ve learned. I think this is the biggest magical power of children. I’ve heard that the point of learning is the combination of input and output. Children do the output spontaneously by telling someone what they’ve learned.

Second, children are not afraid of making mistakes. I think the best way to learn [a] language is to speak the language aloud. Children are not ashamed of themselves when they make mistakes. They can say or think about anything they want to and they can learn from their mistakes. In addition, children don’t care about grammar when they express their feelings. When adults learn languages, they think about grammar too much. I personally think grammar is not the most important part of learning languages. If someone can understand what you are talking [saying], it is good enough.

Third, children generally have more time than adults do. Children can learn a foreign language while they are playing games[,] as [which] I mentioned in [the] second paragraph. Adults are too busy to do that. They try to learn many things in a short time. However, learning a foreign language doesn’t work like that.

In conclusion, when children start the school is the best time to learn a foreign language [is when children start school]. They have more time than adults do. They can enjoy learning a foreign language by singing songs and playing games. They can [also] learn more from their mistakes, because they’re not ashamed of making mistakes [them] and they don’t care about grammar as adults do. [In addition, they have more time than adults do.] These three reasons make [it easier for] children more easily to learn a foreign language than adults. It’s a good idea for children to learn foreign languages as soon as they start school.

英文校正協力:Paul Strifler


いかがでしたか。 今回のように、まず本番と同じ条件でエッセイを書き、次にブレーンストーミングを経てリライトする練習は、ライティングのスキルアップにとても効果的です。リライトしたエッセイを添削してもらうのが理想的ですが、類語辞典を参照して使える語彙の幅を広げたり、インターネットに掲載されているお手本としたいエッセイ(TOEFL sample essayといったキーワードでGoogle検索するとたくさんヒットします)をタイピング入力して丸ごと覚えたり(私は「タイピング筆写」と呼んでいます)、友人にエッセイの感想を言ってもらったりトピックに対する意見を聞いたりすることでも、スキルを高めることはできます。書けば書くほど上手くなるのがエッセイライティング。コツコツと、でも楽しみながら練習を継続しましょう。

ご好評いただいた「ウェブ公開授業」、この形式での連載としては今回が最終回となります。モデル学習者の方がどんなエッセイを書いてくるか、それに対してどんな視点からアドバイスしようかとあれこれ考えるのは、creativeでinspiringな作業でした。読者のみなさんにとっても本連載がinspiringだとしたらとても嬉しいです。「こんなにエッセイが上手く書けるようになった!」「ライティングセクションの点数がこんなに上がった!」という嬉しいご報告を待っています。では次回、新しい連載企画でお会いしましょう。

TOEFL iBT Writing Section Scoring Guide
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